On the other side of quiet.

I called a friend this morning, one who I hadn't talked to much in the last year. Turns out, we'd been thinking of each other often. But this year was thick with epic global shifts, and personal ones, and it was sometimes hard to reach out and keep in touch.

We updated each other on all the losses and transformations and new beginnings we’d been through.  And as we wrapped up our conversation, she said something that untied a ribbon of shame I didn’t even realize I had wrapped around my finger.

You know, I really appreciate how you go quiet sometimes. Like when you’re in the middle of something, and you don’t know what to say – you just… wait.

I hesitate to start this newsletter with, “It’s been a while since I’ve written… "  Though I tell you, in my childhood journals there are too many entries to count that start in just that way.  

In all my practices, for all my life, there have been gaps.  Lazy days.  Fallow periods.  I only feel bad about them when I forget what I actually know deep in my bones to be true, that quiet time is a natural part of every creative process.   

I birthed two babies last year – a human, and then 8 months later, a book. 

I was reviewing final copy edits on said book when said human was about 4 weeks old.  I’d wake up when she cried at 4am, feed her until she fell asleep in my arms, and hold my breath as I lowered her back into bed, tiptoeing over the creaky floorboards to my computer in the next room.  If I was lucky, I got 3 hours of edits in before she woke up again. 

I had never felt more beautiful or more alive than in those pre-dawn hours by candlelight, breasts leaking, invoking the spirit of Toni Morrison, who wrote so many of her masterpieces between the hours of 5 and 7am, before her kids woke up. 

And by the time I submitted that final manuscript, I’d never felt more tired.

When there’s a big creative birth, expect a big creative postpartum. 

That part of the cycle that comes after we’ve published, launched, delivered, or performed whatever it was that needed to come through us, and only us.  In that space after we slam down the pencil, lift up our hands and shout, “done!”,  it’s not uncommon to feel kind of… empty.  Consumed.  Spent.

In Chinese medicine, the postpartum period is said to be one of the few times in a birthing person’s life where there’s an opportunity for a complete energetic reset.  Many people don’t (or can’t) take the time they need to rest and heal properly after a birth, and they end up energetically depleted.  But I'm told that if we have the support to rest, our systems can actually reboot and become even stronger than they were before.   

Which reminds me of another healing story (also uterine in nature, ha.) 

This one, after a major abdominal surgery to remove a large, benign fibroid tumor.  I was seeing my dear friend Mia Herndon (who is also a facilitator, dancer and co-host of the emergent strategy podcast) for acupuncture treatments to help with recovery.  After reviewing my diet in light of my post-surgical symptoms, she suggested it would be a good idea for me to stop drinking coffee.

I was appalled.

What do you mean, stop drinking coffee?  How will I get anything done?

What she said to me next was more eye-opening than any shot of caffeine.

She said:
If you're tired, you need to rest. And if you rest enough, eventually you will feel energy again.  

At the time I was so tired, I could not imagine ever feeling energetic again.  I kept going and going with work and other obligations, driven by the belief that if I stopped, I would drop and literally never get up. 

But of course, she was right. 

I rested, I rested, I rested… and eventually there was a stirring in me that told me it was time to rise.

What I want to share, with you and with myself, is this:  

It's ok to have a quiet year.  Or a quiet week, or day.

And that on the other side of quiet, you’ll likely have something to say.

As for me – I’m resurrecting this newsletter as a way to share my field notes on daily life as spiritual practice:  Buddhist meditation, dance, working, resting, writing, healing, friendship, partnership, activism, service, recovery, parenting and re-parenting…

If I have teachings or events coming up on the horizon, or I’m working out ideas for a new thing, I’ll share those here too. Oh and also, a few links to whatever I’ve been loving to listen to/ read/ do learn from, and that I think you might also enjoy.

Ok friends!  Sending you love, in whatever part of the creative cycle you’re in today.

May you have all the quiet time you need.

May you be supported to rest until you're ready to rise, and rise until it's time to rest again.

With heart,

Kate